Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Welcome to the Hellmouth
Buffy starts a new school, with a not so well kept secret
I have never watched Buffy, so let’s see what all the hype is about!
We begin with a weird intro, it’s like the trailer for a pulp horror movie. She is…the slayer. Is this supposed to be the opening credits?
Off to Sunnydale High School, the cleanest looking school anyone has ever seen. Some horny teens break a window to get into the school, and I know this is not going to end well for them. The horny teens at the beginning of a movie, or in this case tv show, always get eaten/murdered.
This isn’t even their school! I assumed they were students, though the guy says he used to go here.
They are heading to the roof for its sick view. The girl is hesitant, saying they’ll get in trouble.
“You can count on it”
Sidenote: I am obsessed with this trope. I want to gather every on-screen example of horny teens where the girl is hesitant and the guy responds with some cheesy innuendo right before disaster strikes, and make a compilation or something.
Then, of course, A NOISE. Monsters famously hate horny teens, this does not bode well.
OH NO, SHE’S THE MONSTER! What a twist.
Ah, now here are the actual credits. High school fun mixed with demon fighting. It’s giving me Charmed vibes, love it.
Buffy, looking immaculate, daintily tosses and turns as she dreams of crucifixes, graveyards, and demons.
Her room has a moving box, it’s her first day. Her mum drops her at school and tells her not to get kicked out. Damn Buffy, what happened at your last school?
A guy is skateboarding through crowds of people outside the school, screaming at people to get out of the way. Mate, just walk. This, we find out later, is Xander (also, Kevin from Criminal Minds). He runs into Willow (baby Alyson Hannigan!) and asks her to do his homework.
They meet up with another guy (Jesse, who is also Eddie from The O.C. and Cameron from What Women Want. Have I told you how much I love IMDB?)
They discuss the latest school goss, A NEW GIRL IS STARTING.
Buffy meets with the principal. He rips up her records because he’s not a regular principal, he’s a cool principal. He’s like I don’t care that you-BURNED DOWN THE GYM? He hastily sticky tapes her records back together.
She’s like ‘You don’t understand, it was full of vampires, I MEAN…asbestos’
She drops her bag in the hallway and all her stuff flies everywhere. Xander notices and rushes over. ‘Can I have you? I MEAN, HELP YOU’
He helps her and she’s like thanks, byyyee, before rushing off.
Honestly, whose idea was it to put a teenager in charge of destroying all the vampires, can’t even be trusted to keep her stake safe.
In Science, the teacher is talking about the ‘fun part of the black plague’. Buffy frantically looks around for someone to share a textbook with her. So unprepared. Cordelia shares hers and then class suddenly ends.
I love how movie and tv teachers can never plan a lesson to fit into the allotted time. Do they not know how long a period is? They’re always getting cut off. Open your textbooks to page 319, NEVER MIND, THE BELL SURPRISINGLY JUST RANG.
Cordelia leads Buffy to the library so she can get her own damn textbook. Does she not have to buy them? Cordelia is jealous that Buffy is from LA, because THAT’S WHERE ALL THE SHOES ARE. Girl, what are you talking about? There are shoe shops literally everywhere. Maybe not in Sunnydale. Although, to be fair, there’s no internet, you can’t just order fancy shoes online, you have to be near a store.
Cordelia then tests Buffy’s coolness factor. Yes, she literally says that. But she can skip the written! I’m sorry, do you have a literal cool exam written up? So much admin to be popular, what a hassle.
After confirming that Buffy is not a total loser, they see Willow at the water cooler and Cordelia is completely horrible to her.
Cordelia tells Buffy she should come to The Bronze tonight, a club that lets anybody in but is still cool. I assumed it was Monday, are they going out on a SCHOOL NIGHT?
Buffy heads into the library, which is completely empty. Probably because everyone is in class, like Buffy should be. Great start to your first day at a new school, skipping class already.
Mr. Giles the librarian pops up with a huge, ancient-looking book with VAMPYR on the front in huge letters. Very subtle.
‘Looking for this, I assume?’ he asks. NOPE says Buffy, and gets the hell out of there. Who is this guy and why does he know Buffy’s secret?
Some girls are bitching as they head to their lockers before gym. THERE’S A NEW GIRL AND WE DON’T KNOW HER, HAVEN’T MET HER, BUT WE HATE HER. Typical teenage girl shit.
My favourite part of the episode:
Red-haired girl: ‘What kind of a name is Buffy?’
Other girl, to red-haired girl: ‘Oh, hey Aphrodesia!’
Amazing.
The two girls continue bitching about Buffy, with some excellent slang. If you were a teenager in the late 90s, please tell me if this is ridiculous as it sounds.
‘The chatter in the caf is that she got kicked out!’
‘Neg!’
‘Pos!’
Then one of them opens her locker and A DEAD GUY FALLS OUT. Bleurgh.
To Willow’s astonishment, Buffy wants to hang out with her. But not in the library, because it ‘gives her the wiggins’. Again, what is this slang?
Xander and Jesse turn up, and Xander returns Buffy’s stake. She’s like LOL, EVERYONE HAS THEM IN LA.
Cordelia comes to tell Buffy that they get out of gym because there’s a dead guy. Buffy panics, oh no, there’s fucking vampires here too!
She heads off to look at the dead guy, and yep, he has a gross neck injury. She goes to see Giles, the only person who probably knows what’s going on.
Giles thinks the school is the source of some fucked up magic shit. Like the fault lines in Ghostbusters or something. Of all the schools to move to, what a terrible choice.
It turns out Giles is a Watcher, he is supposed to train/prepare her. Where were you earlier? Could’ve stopped her from burning down her last school.
Uh oh, Xander was in the library and heard everything.
Giles follows Buffy into the hallway and warns her, SOMETHING’S GUNNA GO DOWN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS. Please stop accosting her in the hallway, someone will tell the principal.
There is some creepy shit happening underground. Candles, demons, creepy chanting. THE SLEEPER WILL WAKE.
Buffy is trying to find something to wear to the club. She has a ‘slutty’ leather dress, or a floral dress that’s giving mormon vibes. She chooses an outfit reminiscent of the Sabrina the Teenage Witch intro.
Buffy casually tells her mum that she’s off to the club. She’s like K, cool, have fun, and lets Buffy walk there by herself in the dark! Also, she doesn’t know that Buffy is strong and has supernatural powers, so she is just letting her regular, sixteen year old daughter walk alone in the dark to a NIGHTCLUB. Brenda’s mum would have a panic attack. Throwback to the first episode of Beverly Hills 90210:
And, of course, she’s being followed. Ooh, is this our first glimpse of David Boreanaz?
Buffy swings from a bar that is conveniently in this alley, and gymnast kicks him to the ground.
He says that he doesn’t bite, and that he also wants to kill them all. Okay, so he knows her deal, does she have some silent alarm that these guys can all hear? He is also some kind of vampire hunter guy? Not a slayer though, THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE.
She tells him she just wants to be left alone. Seriously, let her go to the club, dude.
But noo, he has to tell her that they’re standing at the mouth of hell and it’s about to open, and there’s some harvest thing. He also gives her a necklace, which is the CRUCIFIX FROM HER DREAM.
Unfazed, Buffy continues to the club, where no one is checking ID. The club is full of excellent 90s fashion; chokers, crop tops, chunky shoes, loud shirts.
Buffy enthusiastically waves at a guy who she thinks is waving at her. Why would he be waving at you, YOU DON’T KNOW HIM. Mortifying.
Oh hey, Willow’s here! Buffy finds out that Willow and Xander used to go out…when they were five years old. Since then, Willow hasn’t had much luck with boys.
Buffy tells her to suck it up, she might be dead tomorrow.
‘Oh, that’s nice!’
Willow says earnestly. Mr. Giles is here, Buffy says ‘Isn’t that kind of skanky?’ Strange use of that word, but agreed, the club is full of students and his presence is creepy.
He doesn’t want to be there, Buffy, he’d rather be home with a cup of Bovril (gross). Buffy tells him about the ‘annoyingly gorgeous’ guy who told her about the harvest. Giles asks her many questions which she does not know the answers to, because she didn’t ask. Again, is this the right job for a teenager?
He’s so close to her, people are going to get the wrong idea. He tells her at least she hasn’t been having the nightmares. Um, yeah…about that…
Jesse thinks he’s in with a chance with Cordelia, but she blows him off.
Buffy is practically yelling about vampires. Do you want to keep this a secret or not? I feel sorry for Giles, trying to teach a teenager about responsibility. PEOPLE ARE GOING TO DIE, BUFFY, YOU NEED TO KNOW SHIT ABOUT VAMPIRES.
Buffy is like Pfft, I can obviously tell who’s a vampire, look at that guy’s outdated outfit, VAMPIRE.
Uh oh, vampire guy is talking to Willow. Buffy heads back downstairs to save her.
Buffy casually breaks the leg off a chair (she didn’t bring a bag to put her stake in, so unprepared) and lurks in a back hallway. She is startled by Cordelia, who almost gets choked/staked in the face. She’s probably not going to want to be friends anymore, Buffy.
Out in the club, Jesse is talking to that vampire girl from the start.
Time to check in underground, where there is a large vat of boiling blood, gross. A vampire rises out of it, and he emerges surprisingly dry.
His creepy servant guy is there to greet him. He tells the vampire that the harvest will restore him. Let’s assume this guy is the Main Vampire.
Main Vampire touches some wavy air, is there a forcefield, what’s going on? The servant says he sent the servants out to get food, and how many servants does this vampire have?
Willow is out walking with the Outdated Outfit Vampire, going to get ice cream, but he ‘knows a shortcut’.
Buffy leaves the club and runs into Xander, who tells her he knows what’s going on. She’s like god damn it, does everyone know I’m the slayer? Yes, because you keep talking about it very loudly in public.
Xander’s like pfft, you think you’re the slayer, but realises Buffy’s serious when she doesn’t try to convince him, she just needs to find Willow.
Outdated Outfit Vampire is taking Willow through the cemetery. He asks her ‘What are you afraid of?’ Gee, I dunno, a strange guy taking me to the cemetery in the middle of the night? He pushes her into a mausoleum and then the Lady Vampire shows up with Jesse in tow. Uh oh, she already bit him.
‘I got hungry on the way’
Buffy appears, excellent timing. She spouts off some sassy comments before getting to work.
She stakes the Outdated Outfit Vampire and yells at Xander to go. He helps Willow carry Jesse out.
Buffy has a very choreographed fight with the Lady Vampire.
Buffy gets the upper hand over her, but instead of finishing her off decides to make some more sassy comments.
Unfortunately this gives Servant Vampire time to come and attack Buffy. He sends Lady Vampire away, and starts fighting Buffy.
“You’re strong. But I’m stronger.”
He attacks her, and tells her that The Harvest will allow the Main Vampire to come out, and all the vampires will take over the earth and kill everyone. He breaks her stake, and throws her aganist a cement coffin (ouch, right in her back!).
Yeah, she definitely should’ve looked into this Harvest thing, it does not sound good. Luckily Giles is onto it, he’s reading the VAMPYR book, seeing what’s up.
There are lots of vampires outside in the cemetery too, coming for Xander, Willow, and Jesse. Hope you weren’t too attached to your new pals, Buffy.
Servant Vampire throws Buffy into the cement coffin, where she lands next to a skeleton. It’s quiet for a moment, maybe this was just a warning?
NO, THE SERVANT VAMPIRE LEAPS INTO THE COFFIN ON TOP OF BUFFY AND BEARS HIS TEETH.
TO BE CONTINUED appears on the screen, oh, come on!