Beverly Hills 90210: S1E1 Class of Beverly Hills Part One
That's where I want to be... livin' in Beverly Hills
I have never seen Beverly Hills 90210, it was a bit before my time. I am of the Dawson’s Creek and The O.C. generation. However, like anything hugely popular, snippets make their way into popular culture, so I know a couple of character names, and I’m familiar with some of the actors (mainly Shannen Doherty, because Charmed). I don’t know any major storylines though, just that there’s lots of *teen drama* and I think their main hangout is some kind of diner?
So, with that, let’s get into it and see what it’s all about.
We open on a teenager’s bedroom. Brandon, apparently, according to the moving boxes scattered around. The worst alarm I’ve ever heard goes off, and I can’t explain it well enough because it is so weird. I had to find a video and screenshot it, because honestly what the hell am I looking at here?
It’s like a robot arm connected to an animatronic dinosaur, which is attached to an alarm clock? I don’t know.
ANYWAY. Do you hate long drawn out pilot episodes with lots of exposition? Well, not to worry, Brandon will get us up to speed with his opening line:
“First day of school, strange city, new house, no friends, I’m psyched”
Cool, got it. I think if you wrote a line like that today you would go to jail.
We then head over to Brenda’s room to meet baby Shannen Doherty (she was only 19 here!). She is about to die in an avalanche of clothes, but of course she HAS NOTHING TO WEAR!
Personally, I would’ve picked out an outfit the day before, because anxiety.
She begs her mum to take her shopping today instead of going to school (which is obviously never going to happen, nice try). Her mum doesn’t understand, everyone here looks like they stepped out of a music video, and Brenda DOESN’T EVEN HAVE THE RIGHT HAIR.
Meanwhile, Daddy Walsh is chilling, reading the paper when he hears on the radio that it is GRID LOCK out there. He hightails it to work. I don’t know much about LA, but I know the traffic is horrendous. I know he couldn’t have Googled it, but damn, someone should’ve warned him.
Brenda goes into Brandon’s room to tell him to get up, and also ask for fashion advice for some reason. We find out that they’ve just moved from Minnesota, where Brenda wasn’t very cool but Brandon was. Oh my god, can you imagine if they had proper Minnesota accents? That would be incredible. Think Marshall’s family from How I Met Your Mother, or everyone in Fargo (I know that’s actually North Dakota, but close enough).
Brandon asks Mumma Walsh where the toaster is, and in the most unhinged move of this episode, throws a whole box of appliances out onto the floor. Seriously, why? Probably because they just moved interstate and it’s 1990 so she did 90% of the work, with no help from her useless family, and she’s sick of their shit.
Brandon decides to back slowly away and never mention breakfast again.
Him and Brenda hop in their hideous brown car and head off to school, and HOLY SHIT THEIR HOUSE IS ENORMOUS.
*OPENING TITLES*
Luxury brand shops, paparazzi, palm trees, a lady carrying a surfboard down the street, you know, usual Beverly Hills things.
The school has VALET PARKING. That is wild. Is that included with tuition or do you have to pay extra?
Some guy has a button to lock his car, ooh electric, so high tech for the 90s (I’m assuming?). Someone is carrying a large, foldable object. Is it a lawn chair? Is it some kind of portable computer? A stereo? I actually have no idea, help.
Brandon parks his brown shit heap next to all the fancy cars. Brenda says they need a raise in their allowance. What is their dad’s job? Probably something high-paying if they moved here.
The school radio makes announcements as we see everyone else arrive at school; a teacher in a VW van, some nerds, poor people via the bus. And Kelly (Jennie Garth) who tells her ex-boyfriend Steve that she had a nose job over the holidays.
Brenda and Brandon go to the principal’s office to get a lecture. You’re high achievers, but everyone here is competitive, so WATCH OUT. Brenda’s hair looks nice! Maybe it’s not right for the 90s though, not big enough?
They get up and leave as the secretary or someone brings in a guy dressed like a damn PUNK, and demands the principal explain their restriction on leather policy.
Quick shot of some freshman nerds trying to find their class (we’ll come back to them later).
First class of the day, and a girl (who is in the credits as OVERWEIGHT GIRL. I just can not.) is trying to find a seat, but everyone looks at her in disgust, as though she has human remains dangling from her person. She approaches Kelly’s table but Kelly does some quick thinking and points to Brenda who has just walked in and says that she is sitting there.
Phew. Lucky Kelly, you nearly had to sit next to somebody fat! Meanwhile, you have never met Brenda and she might be the worst person in the world, but hey, at least she’s thin.
I’m not even exaggerating, there is literally nothing mentioned about ‘overweight girl’s personality, or any reason for people not to want to sit next to her except her weight. Yikes.
We get a quick glimpse of the campus as we head to Brandon’s Spanish class. A couple is making out on some kind of walkway. The girl throws all her books over the edge, because who needs learning when you have a hot boyfriend!
The Spanish teacher says, in Spanish, that the whole class will be conducted in Spanish, no English allowed! All the students look at her as though they know exactly zero words in Spanish. Except the girl from the bus (Andrea!)
Brandon decides he wants to write for the school paper so he goes to see Andrea, who runs it. She tests him, asking if he wants to report on toxic waste or women’s waterpolo. He chooses waterpolo. WRONG, PERVERT.
I mean, that does make sense, seeing as he said he reported on sports at his old school, but he doesn’t help his case, stating that he is human after all. WHAT MALE REPORTER WOULD TURN DOWN THE OPPORTUNITY TO LOOK AT WATERPOLO LADIES.
Andrea doesn’t have time for his shit, she’s trying to run the TOP RATED HIGH SCHOOL PAPER IN THE COUNTRY, and is that a thing? Who’s rating that?
Finally, it’s lunchtime, and instead of a cafeteria (or maybe the cafeteria is for nerds) they have a lovely outdoor picnic table arrangement. There’s literally a table with three microwaves. What is going on? I guess it’s California, the weather’s nice all the time, may as well have lunch outside and work on your tans.
Brandon tries to make friends by joining people at a table, but the moment he tries to sit down everybody runs from him like he’s The Blob.
Kelly tells Brenda that West Beverly High isn’t like other schools, the kids are richer here. I’m barely listening, because look at this outfit:
Green bike shorts under denim shorts? What a choice. She also has some funky socks on that you can’t see here. I’m concerned that Brenda is hot, it’s California and she is from Minnesota which is COLD, but she’s got huge jeans and a huge jacket on. It’s nice enough to have lunch outside, you probs don’t need a jacket.
Kelly then tells Brenda that you have to stay skinny because Beverly Hills is hot and everyone is always having a pool party.
The nerds are juggling their lunch trays and a whole pile of books, do they not have lockers? A jock throws a football right into the nerd’s tray, ruining his books and lunch.
POP QUIZ. It’s 1990, there is no internet, no mobile phones, what’s the best way to invite everyone at school to a party? If you said make an announcement on the school radio station, you would be wrong. The correct answer is get a plane to fly over the school with a message.
There is a BACK 2 SCHOOL JAM at Marianne’s house. But no freshman allowed. The nerds are devastated.
Brandon is shocked that Brenda has made friends already and he hasn’t. HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE COOL ONE, DAMN IT. He’s going to have to go to Marianne’s party alone.
FINALLY it is the weekend. Brenda gets picked up by Kelly, Donna (Tori Spelling) and some other girls. Mrs. Walsh insists on coming out and embarrassing Brenda in front of her cool new friends.
Nobody will miss where the party is, there’s freakin spotlights like the beginning of a Fox Studios movie.
Brandon apparently walked to Marianne’s house? He’s walking up when he spots Steve (who, you may remember, is Kelly’s ex-boyfriend).
Brandon says ‘Nice car’, to which Steve replies:
“Got to have something to live for”
What the fuck, Steve? That’s bleak.
They have apparently become friends during the week, because Steve tells Brandon to hop in. They bypass the valet parking and drive straight up to the house.
Steve tells Brandon, in a line that seems like it was written specifically to put in the trailer:
“Welcome to West Beverly High”
Steve is giving big Shooter McGavin vibes.
A waiter walks by with every teenager’s favourite party snack, oysters!
Kelly thinks Brandon is cute. The nerds arrive and one of them says that girls will be taking their tops off in a couple of hours. I don’t know what kind of party he thinks this is. Nerd 1 decides to go and stand near Kelly in an attempt to be noticed. Nerd 2 gets pushed into the pool.
There’s a guy with a huge video camera, not sure if he’s a professional or just filming to remember this awesome night.
Brandon is wandering around and finds a girl in a corner so he awkwardly corners her. He asks ‘What’s your story?’ and she replies ‘You’re sexy’. Okay.
Ohh it’s Marianne, the host of the party!
She writes her name on his arm as sexy 90s sax music plays. I guess she just happened to have a pen in her party dress?
Marianne gets back to the party and for reasons I cannot fathom, THROWS HER SHOE INTO THE POOL. She yells ‘Go get it!’ and lots of guys dive in after it. What is happening??
Steve, again looking like a forty year old attorney, gets shut down by Kelly, who does not want to fucking dance with him. She broke up with you, leave her alone!
Steve tells one of the nerds that she’s the
“-biggest bitch at West Beverly High”
Ergh, what, because she doesn’t want to go out with you? Grow up, Steve. You already dress like a forty year old, now act like it.
Nerd finds out who Steve’s mum is and fangirls because she’s on tv.
Nerd has to go before his enormous jacket swallows him whole. He starts looking for the other nerd and only finds his wet hat.
Everyone is suddenly leaving the party, must be curfew time. Steve’s friends lug him out to his car, he is absolutely shit-faced. One of his friends is wearing a blazer with board shorts, which is quite a statement.
It is decided that Nerd will drive Steve home. Can he even drive, isn’t he like fifteen? Yep, he does not have a licence. Steve is too drunk to care.
Ooh it’s a Corvette. Nerd pulls out of the parking lot, luckily not hitting any other fancy cars.
They drive down the highway and oop, Steve’s gunna vom over the side. Nerd asks why Steve would buy a car like this and even think about driving home drunk? Um, because his parents gave it to him, he’s rich and probably has no appreciation for the value of things.
Kelly and the girls drive up beside them and laugh, haha Steve, a nerd is driving your car, hilarious.
Then, oh no, it’s the cops. In a very unsuspicious move, Nerd puts on a football helmet to hide his youthful appearance. The cops obviously have crimes to solve, or black people to harass (it’s LA in the 90s, so…ya know), so they’re in the clear.
Nerd helps Steve out of the car, and how are you going to get home? I hope you live in walking distance. Uh oh, Nerd turns around to see the car rolling down the driveway! It hits a car across the road and Nerd briefly panics before running for his life.
Usually I think that honesty is the best policy, but in this situation I think that’s probably the wise idea. They’re rich, they have insurance, it was an accident. Who knows what kind if trouble you’d get in if it’s found out that you were driving around without a licence and caused the Corvette to crash. Lesson: Don’t break the law for drunk rich guys.
Run, Nerd, run!
This episode is actually two parts so it’s really long, I’m going to guess that this is about the end of part one and stop here.
Please check back for part two, to see Brandon and Brenda get up to some romantic shenanigans. With other people, not each other. Don’t be weird.