Glee: Pilot
Meet the Glee Club!
Season 1
Episode 1
Original air date: 19 May 2009
I have only seen bits and pieces of Glee, but I know that some of the episodes are really unhinged. Without further ado, let’s jump right in.
There is a full Bring It On-style cheerleading routine happening on the football field.
There are amazing cheerleading moves, incredible flips, people being thrown in the air and caught, a very professional looking cheerleading routine.
BUT IT’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH, according to the coach.
“You think this is hard? Try being waterboarded, that’s hard!”
Everything’s easy compared to being waterboarded, got it. Excellent advice.
Mr. Will Schuester pulls up to the school parking lot in his piece of junk car. The muffler is literally scraping on the ground.
He sees Kurt, surrounded by bullies, and asks him if he’s making new friends. Kurt looks wide-eyed at Mr. Schue, silently begging him to save him from this situation.
Mr. Schue is either stupid or doesn’t give a single fuck. He ignores Kurt’s predicament and tells Finn that he owes him a report for Spanish class.
The bullies grab Kurt to throw him in the dumpster but he says his jacket is Marc Jacobs. Finn tells them to wait. Kurt hands Finn his jacket, then the bullies dump him in the bin.
Mr. Schue is looking at a trophy in the trophy cabinet that Glee club won in 1993, he smiles like he is scheming.
He is speaking Spanish to a classroom of students, including Finn who appears to have never heard the Spanish language before in his life.
Stephen Tobolowsky is teaching a boy to sing, while he accompanies him on piano. He then kind of caresses his stomach, please don’t. Rachel looks on from the doorway, absolutely fuming.
The staff room is bleak. The coffee pot has been removed due to budget cuts.
Sue Sylvester has brought in lattes from Starbucks, much to the delight of Mr. Schue, and (I’m guessing PE teacher?) Ken.
Emma is not impressed by this act of generosity, Sue went over budget getting a nutritionist for the cheerleaders, hence the lack of coffee.
Emma whips out a pair of disposable gloves and wipes the table. Ken says he didn’t see her at the singles mixer. Was that run by the school, or…?
Will says there is someone out there for everyone. Emma asks if they know about Sandy Ryerson getting fired.
Mr. Schue is like OMG who is going to run Glee Club? He runs to Principal Figgins to beg for the job.
Figgins is like do you also want to captain the Titanic? Mr. Schue thinks he can make Glee Club great again. He’s going to bring joy back to the kids.
“They feel invisible. That’s why every one of them has a MySpace page.”
Were people still using MySpace in 2009?
Figgins says it will cost $60 a month to keep Glee Club running. On one hand that is cheap, on the other hand, what does that pay for? They don’t need any special equipment really. Maybe microphones? I dunno.
Mr. Schue is like you want me to pay that? Figgins says well I’m certainly not going to. Were you not paying it until the last guy got fired? Is that why you fired him, so you didn’t have to pay for Glee Club?
Figgins says Glee Club isn’t the Cheerios (the cheerleading team), if Glee Club brings some prestige to the school like they do then they can have some money. They’ll have to use the props and costumes the school already has, and again, WHAT IS THE MONEY FOR?
Mr. Schue is laying awake next to his sleeping wife. He thinks it will be hard to hide the $60 a month from her. IT’S ONLY $15 A WEEK. Why do you have to hide it? Can you not explain to her why you need the money? Christ.
But Mr. Schue says he has a bigger problem, how to motivate these damn kids. He decides they need a new name, New Directions! Very inspired.
The sign up sheet goes up and we get auditions from Mercedes Jones, who belts out a solid rendition of Respect, and Kurt who sings Mr. Cellophane from Chicago.
Next up is Tina C, whose stutter disappears when she breaks into Kissed A Girl. Rachel Berry chooses On My Own from Les Mis. She explains that she always puts a gold star sticker next to her signature, to symbolise that she’s going to be a ✨star✨.
After adding her name to the sign up sheet, someone throws a slushie in her face! For no reason, just because they walked past her. This school is brutal.
She tells us she wants to clear up the hateful rumour, that she is the one who turned Sandy Ryerson (Stephen Tobolowsky) in for being inappropriate with the guy who took her solo.
But she’s not homophobic, she has two gay dads! They mixed both of their sperm, and a surrogate’s eggs, together, so there’s no way to know which one is her biological dad!
They got her dance and vocal lessons from when she was young, and now she tries to post a video on MySpace every day, to keep her talent alive and growing. She thinks it is so important to be famous.
The cheerleaders make mean comments on her MySpace videos, not cool.
Rehearsals are going terribly. Mr. Schue has chosen to put Artie, who is a wheelchair user, in the lead role as they perform Sit Down, You’re Rockin’ The Boat, from Guys and Dolls.
Rachel leaves in a huff, furious that no one is taking this seriously. Mr. Schue finds her in the bleachers, watching Sue yell at the cheerleaders.
Rachel is sick of being laughed at, and doesn’t want to leave school with nothing to show for it.
“Everybody hates me.”
“You think Glee Club is going to change that?”
She thinks that being a part of something special makes you special. She needs a male lead who can keep up with her vocally, and if Mr. Schue can’t provide that then she’s out.
Principal Figgins tells Mr. Schue he has to cancel Glee Club because he wants to rent the auditorium to AA, who will pay him $10 a head.
ARE THERE NO OTHER ROOMS? Are we really quibbling about tens of dollars here? That room is tiny, not many alcoholics will fit in there anyway. I wouldn’t call it an auditorium, it’s really a small music classroom?
Mr. Schue wants to make a deal, if the Glee Club can make it to regionals they stay, if not they’ll cancel it.
Figgins is like why do you care about this, there are only five kids in the club, and “one of them’s a cripple”? That’s the spirit.
Figgins agrees if Mr. Schue will run detention for free.
Mr. Schue’s wife is being mean to her co-worker at the bedding store, for not being able to fold a fitted sheet. Mr. Schue brings her lunch. She asks if there’s mayo in it, she can’t get pregnant if her diabetes comes back, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
He says he feels bad because he’ll have to work late for the next couple of months.
She has to be on her feet for four hours a day, three days a week, and now she’ll have to go home and make dinner for herself? OH THE HUMANITY.
How late is detention? Surely he can make it home to cook his poor suffering wife a meal.
The dude who can’t fold fitted sheets needs help, someone is trying to return some visibly soiled sheets, gross.
Will runs into Sandy, who is yelling at one of the other Sheets N Things employees. Sandy isn’t upset that Will has taken over Glee Club, he’s thrilled to be out of there, and his doctor has given him medical marijuana so he’s loving life.
He’s selling it, and making five times what he did as a teacher. Good for him, I guess? He tucks a sample into Mr. Schue’s pocket, despite his protestations.
Mr. Schue helps Emma get gum off the bottom of her shoe. She suggests he gets some popular kids to join Glee Club.
Will goes to see Sue, who is polishing her many trophies. He wants to see if any Cheerios would like to join Glee Club.
Sue explains the high school hierarchy to him. Cheerleaders are too cool to join Glee Club!
Ken, the PE/football coach guy says he doesn’t know if any football players would want to join Glee Club, last week they held down one of their teammates and shaved off his eyebrows because he watched Grey’s Anatomy.
He agrees to let Mr. Schue talk to the guys, if he puts a good word in for him with Emma. Ha, good luck with that.
Emma thanks Mr. Schue for helping her with her shoe. She says she has trouble with stuff like that, messy stuff.
Mr. Schue talks to the football players, telling them that Glee Club needs guys. Puck says he can sing, and does a huge fart. Mr. Schue puts up a sign up sheet, which quickly gathers some names:
Mr. Schue hears Finn singing in the showers and instead of asking him to join Glee Club, decides to BLACKMAIL HIM, AND FRAME HIM FOR DRUG POSSESSION. What is happening.
He shows Finn the pot he found in his locker (the packet that Sandy gave him), and tells him he could lose everything, and go to jail. Finn insists it isn’t his and will take a drug test, but Mr. Schue is pretty keen on his blackmail plan.
Finn talks about when he discovered his love for music, from the guy that came to spray paint their lawn, who his mum fell in love with.
Mr. Schue says Finn can either do six weeks of detention, which will be on his permanent record, or join Glee Club.
Rachel is impressed with this new addition. Mercedes less so, she doesn’t want to be a background singer.
“I’m Beyonce, I ain’t no Kelly Rowland.”
Mr. Schue says it’s just one song, and Kurt tells her it is the first time that they’ve sounded kind of good.
Mr. Schue’s horrible wife is making him do a puzzle in her craft room that he’s usually not allowed in, and says they can make it a weekly activity seeing as how he needs a creative outlet.
Mr. Schue is excited about Glee Club, and wants to take the kids on a field trip next weekend. He asks his wife to come along, but she can’t, she had to pick up an extra shift. THEY ARE LIVING PAYCHECK TO PAYCHECK.
Will says yeah, because we’re paying off your Pottery Barn credit card, then he opens up the ‘Christmas closet’ to reveal Terri’s purchases.
He tells her they can’t afford this stuff, and she says they could if he got another job.
“My passion in teaching, Terri! For the last time, I don’t want to be an accountant!”
She says it’s really hard not having the things she needs. Girl, trying working more than 12 hours a week.
She says he should get over trying to relive his glory days, of when he was the golden boy and she was head cheerleader.
Emma puts her name down to be a chaperone for the Glee Club.
Coach yells at Finn for having to miss practice on Saturday. He tells him to be a football player, or a singer, not both.
Finn tells Puck he has to miss practice because his mum needs help after her prostate surgery, LOL.
Ken confronts Will. He’s mad because Will stole his Quarterback. Will reminds Ken that he hates football and asks what this is really about.
Ken tried to ask Emma out on a date, to monster trucks, and she tells him she’s not interested in dating him.
She says every time she makes an excuse when he asks her out, whether she’s on her period, has cluster headaches, or is allergic to nighttime, those are all lies. She is actually interested in somebody else.
Ken licks his hand and wipes it on Emma’s car door handle. So mature.
Ken tells Will that the herd will take care of this problem. The students don’t like when other students rise above so they will drag them back down.
Rachel tells Finn that she thinks he’s talented, and she would know because she’s also really talented. She says she’s sure everyone will expect them to become an item, but Finn says he has a girlfriend, cheerleader and leader of the celibacy club, Quinn Fabray.
The food at the theatre looks sus, so Emma shares her PB&J with Will. He says he hasn’t had one in forever because his wife is allergic.
Will tells Emma that he and his wife have been married for five years, but they’ve been together since high school, she was his first girlfriend.
He tells her his wife has always pushed him to be better, but lately he’s been wondering, better at what?
Will tells Glee Club that these performers are their competition, but they don’t have the talent that they have. Spoiler alert: they are insanely talented. There’s also at least twenty of them.
Puck has discovered that Finn lies about his mum having prostate surgery - “girls don’t even have those!” - and decides he must be punished.
Puck and other team members corner Finn and shoot him with paintballs at close range.
Terri greets Will with the news that she’s pregnant.
Mr. Schue tells the Glee Club that he’s leaving, he’s given his two weeks notice. Finn wants to know if this means he can quit Glee Club, but everyone else is sad.
Mr. Schue spots a guitar and plays Leaving On A Jet Plane to an empty theatre.
Emma is drawing love hearts around Will in the school yearbook like she’s fourteen.
Will applies for an accounting job. Wouldn’t you get that job before quitting teaching?
Emma overhears other teachers saying Will is going to have a baby, which is why he’s leaving.
She tells Will that she made an appointment for him at the career centre tomorrow, and to please come.
Rachel asks Finn why he wasn’t at Glee Club. She says she’s taken over as director.
Quinn appears and calls Rachel RuPaul, pfft as if that’s an insult. She asks Finn what he’s doing talking to Rachel. Rachel covers for him, and says they’re doing a science project together.
Quinn says there’s a Christ Crusaders meeting at her house tonight. Rachel tells Finn to stop caring about what people think of him.
Finn tells Puck he had to join the Glee Club so Mr. Schue would give him extra credit. If he fails another class he’ll get kicked off the team.
Puck says as a welcome back he got him a present. It’s Artie, locked in a portaloo. Oh, come on, that’s not cool. He says they’re going to tip it and they saved Fin the first roll.
“Isn’t that kind of dangerous?”
“He’s already in a wheelchair!”
Finn lets Artie out of the portaloo, and Puck calls him a loser. Finn says they’re all losers, everyone in this town. Barely anyone makes it out. So he’s going to do the thing that made him happy for the first time in his life.
“So what, are you quitting to join Homo-Explosion?”
“No. I’m doing both. Because you can’t win without me, and neither can they.”
The grass spray painting guy is spraying the football field. Not sure if that’s real, or Finn’s imagination.
Finn apologises to Glee Club for quitting. He says he doesn’t want to be the guy that goes around throwing eggs at people. Kurt says that Finn and his friends threw pee balloons at him, and nailed his lawn furniture to his roof.
Finn says he wasn’t actually there for that, but he’s really sorry. He wants to be in Glee Club, even though it might be lame. He says they’re all here because they want to be good at something. He then assigns them all a job, Rachel on choreography, Mercedes on costumes, and Kurt will get the jazz band involved. Finn says he has the music.
Emma shows Will a video of the 1993 team at Nationals. She says Will is there, looking happier than she’s ever seen him. He says that was the happiest moment of his life.
He says the only way he’s felt that way since then was when Terri told him he was going to be a father.
Emma says he should teach his kid that money is not the most important thing, but living a life you’re passionate about.
Will is on his way out of the school when he hears the Glee Club singing Don’t Stop Believing, in the actual auditorium, not the small music room.
They put on a great show. Sue and the cheerleaders come to glare at them, as does Puck.
Mr. Schue is lured back in though, their plan worked, he will not stop believin’.