Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Never Kill a Boy on the First Date
Buffy just wants to go on a date! Stupid vampires ruining her social life.
Season 1
Episode 5
Original air date: 31 March 1997
Buffy slays a vampire in a cemetery, then Giles pops up and reviews her performance. He notices the vampire dropped a ring, and thinks it’s important.
Meanwhile, in some underground church place, some gross vampires are having a meeting. The Head Vampire demands that the other vampires bring him ‘The Anointed One’.
Giles can’t find anything about the ring in his musty old books, but Buffy finds it straight away. The symbol on the ring is The Order of Aurelius.
Some tall guy named Owen comes into the library. Buffy looks excited to see him. Giles is shocked to see someone in here.
“What do you want?”
“A book?”
Buffy reminds him that this is a school, and there are students who want to borrow books, from this, the library. Owen asks Giles where to find Emily Dickinson, he lost his copy.
Buffy is tongue-tied around this guy. He says he didn’t think he’d see her here.
“What do you mean?”
“I didn’t mean - I mean, I think you can read.”
“Oh, thanks.”
He says she just doesn’t seem bookwormy. She tells him she likes books. He notices the secret vampire book and asks what it is, but Giles whisks it away. Owen tells Buffy he’ll see her in Math.
Giles is talking about the ring, but Buffy is staring after Owen. Buffy asks Giles for a copy of Emily Dickinson. Giles reminds her that they need to focus on vampires.
Willow is surprised that Owen spoke to Buffy, he barely talks to anyone, he’s all broody and mysterious.
Xander is like HEY BUFFY, HOW’D THE SLAYING GO LAST NIGHT? Shut uppp.
Buffy notices that Owen is sitting all alone so goes to join him, but collides with Cordelia who had the same idea.
Cordelia tells Owen that a bunch of people will be
“ - loitering at The Bronze tonight”
He asks who’s going.
“Well, I’ll be there.”
“Who else?”
Ooh, burn. Owen asks Buffy if she’ll be there. Cordelia says Buffy doesn’t like fun. Owen asks Buffy to meet him there at eight.
Willow is very excited and is telling Buffy it’s a big deal when they run into Giles. Giles says it is a very big deal, but he’s not talking about boys, he’s talking about trouble!
“A violent and disturbing prophecy is about to be fulfilled.”
Giles has been reading up on The Order of Aurelius, and long story short, shit’s going down tonight.
NOT TONIGHT YOU STUPID VAMPIRES, BUFFY HAS A DATE!
Giles says he’ll just jump in his time machine, go back to the 12th century and tell the vampires to suspend their prophecy for a few days. Heh.
Giles tells Buffy to put her post-pubescent fantasies on hold, they have evil to fight.
Cut to Buffy and Giles bored AF in the cemetery. Giles admits his calculations might have been a bit off, and lets Buffy go to find Owen.
Giles swears to himself that his calculations were correct.
A creepy man on a bus freaks out a little boy by talking about death, and judgement.
Buffy gets to The Bronze where everyone is slow dancing. Oh no, Cordelia got to Owen first.
Creepy bus man is still ranting like a fire and brimstone preacher. The bus driver tells him to sit down.
Suddenly a vampire is standing in the middle of the road. The bus crashes into him. The driver goes to check on him, but oh it was a trick, he gets eaten.
Vampires swarm the bus, eating the passengers.
Buffy tells Xander she just left the club last night, she could hardly tell Owen that she was late because she was waiting for a vampire.
She feels like everyone is staring at her like she’s some kind of dateless monster. She yells at a guy who was just walking down the hall, minding his own business. Probably not thinking about Buffy and her dating life at all.
Xander tells her she could have any guy in school.
A lot of guys read. I can read.”
Owen appears and asks Buffy where she was. She says her watch broke and she has no clocks in her house, so she didn’t know what time, or day, it was. Owen asks if they can try again tonight.
“I’ll even lend you my watch.”
Owen hands Buffy A POCKETWATCH. Because he’s a million years old, because he’s a vampire, probably.
Xander looks sadly at his own Tweety bird watch. Yeah, you’re not as cool as Owen, sorry.
Buffy digs for info on what’s happening with Owen and Cordelia. He says he danced with her a couple of times, but she’s a bit grabby.
Owen arranges to pick up Buffy at seven. FROM WHERE? You don’t know her address!
Buffy asks tells Giles that the Anointed One problem will probably take a few days to sort out, they should probably rest and regroup and see you tomorrow, bye.
The head vampire can’t wait to get out of his mystical prison. He can’t wait to rule earth again. He tells his minions to kill Buffy if she gets in the way, and don’t forget to bring him the Anointed One!
Willow is helping Buffy pick a date outfit, and they are getting Xander’s opinion for some reason. He suggests Buffy wear a giant coat and a ski cap.
Buffy asks Xander which lipstick Owen will like better, the red or the peach?
“Oh, you mean for kissing you and then telling all his friends how easy you are, so the whole school loses respect for you and then talks behind your back.”
Why did you invite him? Get outttt.
Xander says red, so Buffy chooses peach.
Buffy doesn’t know where Owen’s taking her. Willow says maybe a movie, or a party. The doorbell rings and Buffy runs to get it, thinking it’s Owen, but damn it it’s Giles.
Buffy tells him Buffy’s not home, and tries to close the door, but Giles shoves a newspaper in her face. Five people die in a car crash, five die, just like the prophecy says!
Owen arrives, surprised to see the school librarian in Buffy’s house. Willow and Xander drag him into the other room where Xander tells him that Buffy doesn’t like to be kissed. Or touched.
I would like to slay this boy.
Buffy tells Giles that they don’t even know if this is anything, and she hasn’t had a day off in ages.
“If the apocalypse comes, beep me.”
Giles tells Buffy she’ll get a hefty fine if she doesn’t return her library books. Yes, I’m sure Owen will think that’s a normal reason for you to be at Buffy’s house.
Giles tells Willow and Xander he’s going to the funeral home, just in case.
Willow is worried and thinks they should go with Giles. Xander thinks they should keep an eye on Owen.
Owen is rambling to Buffy about Emily Dickinson. She drags him to the dance floor.
Owen says Buffy is like two people, he thinks he has her figured out then she surprises him.
Cordelia arrives and pretends Buffy doesn’t exist, asking Owen what he’s doing here alone. Owen tells her he’s with Buffy, and Buffy tells her to go away.
Giles arrives at the funeral home, and is quickly surrounded by vampires.
He shows them a crucifix, and they hiss and back off, giving Giles time to dash inside.
Owen asks Buffy if she’s having fun.
“Yeah. I almost feel like a girl.”
Poor Owen, that probably raises a lot of questions for him.
Giles traps himself in the morgue, with the lightest filing cabinet I’ve ever seen. He heads for the window, and jumps when he sees Xander and Willow poking their heads in. They say this is a job for Buffy, and leave to go get her.
Owen leaves Buffy alone to go get them some food. Cordelia is bitching to her friend about how disgusting Buffy’s behaviour is.
“I’ve never seen a girl throw herself at a guy like that.”
Angel walks in, and Cordelia tells her friend to call 911.
“That boy is going to need some serious oxygen after I’m through with him.”
Angel heads straight for Buffy. Aw, poor Cordelia.
Angel tells Buffy there’s some serious stuff going on, and she needs to be out there.
Buffy introduces Owen and Angel to each other, and then Willow and Xander turn up.
Buffy, this date is not going to happen. Xander and Willow say they’re here to double date with them, and maybe they could go to the funeral home, that’d be fun?
Owen is into that idea for some reason. He asks if he thinks they could sneak in.
Buffy tells Owen she has to go, he can’t come to the funeral home. She says he was right, she is like two girls, one has to go, but the other is having a great time and will come back. Then she kisses him before running off.
“She is the strangest girl.”
Buffy, Willow, and Xander turn up at the funeral home, and OOP, SURPRISE, Owen has followed them.
Buffy finds the room Giles was in, in disarray, with the window bars bent. Then one of the corpse drawers opens, and out comes Giles.
He said some brethren came in, but he hid.
Buffy takes Owen, Xander, and Willow to the office and tells them to barricade the door.
Buffy and Giles search the morgue for the Anointed One.
Owen opens the curtain to the viewing room where a body is lying under a sheet. He is a bit stunned to see a dead body, but even more so when it starts moving!
The creepy bus guy, AKA The Anointed One is under there. He gets off the table and smashes the glass with his head.
“He is risen in me.”
The gang moves the furniture to get to the door, as Anointy slowly comes after them.
Buffy finds Giles, who has helpfully brought a stake. Buffy tells him to go check on the others, but oh no, too late, Anointy is here. Giles shows him a crucifix, but that only slows him down for a second. He shoves Giles, who lands on a switch which lights up the cremation oven.
Uh oh, someone’s going to get burnt.
Anointy grabs Buffy, but Owen is here to save the day! He hits Anointy with a metal tray so he lets Buffy go, then he smashes him on the head with an urn.
I guess someone’s not getting their grandma back.
“He tried to bite me. What a sissy.”
Uh oh, the sissy has found a second wind. He smashes Owen’s head against a metal drawer.
“Dead.”
DEAD? You better not have killed Owen.
Buffy is pissed, and fights Anointy.
“You killed my date!”
It’s okay, Owen’s not dead, he just has a sore head. Xander and Willow arrive, just in time to see Buffy kick Anointy into the fire, and Giles close the door.
Buffy tells Owen that they scared that guy away. She tells him they could still go to Ben and Jerry’s, but he just wants to go home.
Xander and Willow offer to get Owen home safely.
Buffy assumes she’s blown it with Owen. Xander says she could always go out with someone who knows her deepest, darkest secrets and still likes her. HMM LIKE YOU? No thanks.
Owen asks Buffy when he can see her again. He thinks she’s the coolest! Ahh yay, I thought she scared him off.
He says almost dying made him feel alive. He wants to do something like that again, like go downtown at 3am and pick a fight in a bar.
WHAT?
Sir, go to therapy.
Buffy says this isn’t going to work, and asks if they could be friends. Good move, Buffy.
Giles tells Buffy his dad told him when he was ten that he was going to be a Watcher. His dad gave him a tiresome speech about responsibility and sacrifice.
Buffy says Owen would get himself killed hanging out with her, or she’d get him killed. She almost got Giles killed!
Giles said he went to the funeral home on his own free will. There’s no manual, and they’re all doing their best as they go along.
He tells Buffy that the Master Vampire is probably having a bad day too.
Looks like the Master Vampire is anointing a new vampire, it’s the little boy from the bus! Ooft, that’s bleak.
Poor Buffy, hopefully she’ll get to have a proper date soon.