Beverly Hills 90210: April is the Cruelest Month
Matthew Perry!
Season 1
Episode 19
Original air date: 11 April 1991
I try to go into these episodes blind, but I just saw the description for this one, and HOO BOY, this is going to be interesting!
I love tv series from the era when every season had about 24 episodes, they had to come up with some absolutely unhinged storylines to fill all that time.
Guest starring: Matthew Perry (Yay! RIP)
Brandon is watching Matthew Perry play tennis in some very blue shorts.
He is such an intense tennis player that he bent his racket in half.
Side note: I just had to Google if it is supposed to be racket or racquet because as someone who tries to avoid all ball sports, I don’t know when the last time I wrote that word was. It is racquet in the UK, but the US spelling of racket is beginning to worm its way in, as it tends to do.
Brandon rattles off Matthew Perry’s accomplishments, apparently he is very productive in school as well as tennis.
Matthew Perry says Brandon, please, I told you, no interviews. Like he’s Beyonce or something.
Brandon, who has a pencil behind his ear because he’s a *journalist* convinces him to do it. I’ll make you a star, kid.
Meanwhile, Brenda is panicking about getting her SAT results.
Andrea is very impressed that Brandon got an interview with the Roger Azarian (aka Matthew Perry).
Brandon gets the background scoop from Steve, who tells him that Roger’s dad George owns like half of Orange County and has houses everywhere. Essentially he is LOADED. Even for Beverly Hills.
Cindy’s doing her taxes. Get Jim to do it, he’s the accountant. Brenda opens her SAT results and is happy. Kelly and Donna rush off so they can get home and open theirs.
Brandon is admiring all the trophies and certificates in Matthew Perry’s house, and oh damn, they have a huge gun cabinet. Matthew Perry tells Brandon that his dad taught him to shoot when he was six years old.
Well, you know what Chekhov said. Looks like someone’s in for some trouble.
Cindy is complaining about the taxes. Brenda is desperate for Brandon to get home so she can find out what SAT score he got. Jim wants to make a bet on which kid got the best score but Cindy isn’t having it.
After the tour of Matthew Perry’s mansion, Brandon whips out his tape recorder for the interview, but Matthew Perry is like WHAT? NO RECORDERS, they make me uncomfortable.
Roger’s dad gets home and Brandon introduces himself. George says Roger is a shoo-in for Stanford, and he showed Roger’s screenplay to an agent. Damn, can he adopt me?
Brandon asks if he can read the screenplay. Matthew Perry says no one has read it, not even his dad. He didn’t need to read it to show it to an agent.
Brandon opens his SAT scores. He got the EXACT SAME score as Brenda. Typical twins.
Brenda sees the screenplay and gets Brandon to read it out with her.
The screenplay is about ‘Robert’ and ‘Janine’ who are hanging out in the pool at a mansion. Robert is talking about how he hates his father, and suggests killing him.
Kelly calls, she got a better score than she thought! Donna told her that her scores haven’t come in yet, which Brenda thinks is weird. She obviously did horribly and doesn’t want to tell them.
Brandon keeps reading and tells Brenda to hang up the phone because the screenplay is getting weird. Kelly says she knows Roger, she went out with him but his dad said she wasn’t good enough for him.
In the screenplay ‘Robert’ has a gun and plans how he’s going to kill his father. It’s fiction buuuut Brandon is uncomfortable.
Brandon asks Andrea for tips on how to deal with a teen in trouble. He tells her about the very autobiographical screenplay. She’s like hey, we all want to kill our parents sometimes, doesn’t mean we’re actually going to do it.
Kelly is reading from a book about colleges. Donna doesn’t want to talk about college, it’s like, ages away. She still hasn’t told the girls about her scores.
They’re doing some exam in class and Donna freaks out and can’t write anything. She fakes an issue with her contact and runs out of the room.
Matthew Perry finds Brandon reading his screenplay at lunch. He’s only a third of the way through, damn how slow do you read.
They have a bit of an awkward conversation, and Brandon tells him the screenplay is riveting. Matthew Perry gives him season Dodgers tickets, because he’s ‘not going to be around’. Is he planning a murder suicide?
Brandon asks Dylan what it’s like to have a shit dad. Is it normal to write screenplays about killing him?
Dylan says that Brandon and Brenda have helped him stay away from the edge. Guess you better become besties with Matthew Perry, quick-smart, Brandon.
Dylan, Brenda, and Kelly see Donna, SMOKING in the parking lot with some hoodlums. She’s gone off the rails.
Matthew Perry is having a therapy session. He is angry about his dad, and says
“I wish he were dead!”
*Cue thriller music*
Matthew Perry goes to the house and gets a key from under a flowerpot, for some reason. He lives there, does he not have keys?
He goes straight to the gun cabinet, loads up a gun and cocks it. He sneaks up on his dad, who is sitting at the desk in his office.
Okay, don’t panic, that was just an enactment of the screenplay. Brandon looks shook. Cindy says he’s been reading it all night, must be some story. HOW SLOW IS HE READING?
Brandon used all the toothpaste and Brenda is MAD. Brandon can’t think about toothpaste, he’s very worried about the screenplay.
Steve asks Matthew Perry how it feels to be going to the best college in the west. He says he hasn’t gotten in yet, but Steve says obviously he’ll get in, with his track record, and his father.
“WHAT’S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?”
Um, that your dad is loaded, and can get you into college? He did mention your track record, it wasn’t an insult.
Kelly wants to pick a college that’s good for either beach or snow. Priorities. Donna wasn’t at school today, and she missed a meeting with the guidance counsellor.
Brandon wants to ask Matthew Perry a few more questions, so he hops in his fancy sports car. Matthew Perry sees Dylan and Brenda and is like WANT TO RACE? Dylan’s like um no thank you. Matthew Perry hoons down the road. Dylan says he has a death wish.
Brenda runs into Donna at the shops. Donna is COLD. It’s not Brenda’s fault you’re a big dummy. Brenda won’t accept Donna’s attitude and makes Donna tell her what’s going on.
Donna did not do well on her SATs. Her mum told her that she better find a rich guy to marry her because she’s too stupid to take care of herself. That is BRUTAL.
Come on girls, help Donna study, she can take the test again.
Luckily very gelled hair is in style, so Matthew Perry and Brandon don’t have a hair out of place when they zoom up to the mansion.
Brandon FINALLY finished the screenplay. He asks Matthew Perry if the main character is him. Which is honestly an infuriating thing to be asked as a writer, but in this case…
Matthew Perry’s letter from Stanford has arrived. He tells his dad to open it, it means a lot more to him. He did not get in. His dad is mad. You had to want to do it on your own merit, wouldn’t let me give a gift to the university, WELL YOU COULDN’T DO IT.
Matthew Perry tells Brandon to go home. Brandon grabs his books out of the car, and finds A GUN.
Brandon calls Andrea at the Rap Line. He called the police but they can’t do anything. This seems above Andrea’s pay grade.
Brandon takes his problem to Jim, who tells him to talk to Matthew Perry, maybe he needs a friend.
Brandon goes to the mansion but no one answers the door. Well, I guess they’re all dead.
Brandon takes the key from under the pot plant. Come on, rich people, you got to have a better system than that.
Tense music plays as Brandon enters the house. He calls out to Roger, but there’s no answer. He heads to the office, the scene of the crime in the screenplay.
He gently pushes open the door to see….nothing.
Brenda goes to have a word with the guidance counsellor about Donna, but she’s all over it. She’s having a meeting with Donna later.
Matthew Perry has not turned up to school. Brandon thinks back to the screenplay, AHA he must be in his pool house. Brandon borrows Dylan’s car and goes to find Matthew Perry.
The guidance counsellor tells Donna that she might have a learning disability. Donna does not like the sound of that, but they can help her by giving her more time on tests. This seems very advanced for the 90s, TBH, understanding that people process information differently and some people don’t do well in an exam environment, good for them.
Matthew Perry is getting drunk in the pool house. AND HE HAS A GUN. He shoots one of his dad’s framed certificates.
Brandon says killing his father won’t do any good. Matthew Perry tells him he’s not going to kill his father, then he’d still be a failure. HE’S GOING TO KILL HIMSELF. MATTHEW PERRY, NO.
Brandon talks him down and manages to get the gun off him. Matthew Perry does some bad fake crying.
Donna is happy again. SHE’S NOT STUPID!
Brandon gives Steve and Dylan the Dodgers tickets then goes to visit Matthew Perry in the psych hospital. He runs into Roger’s dad, who thanks him and tells him that they are both getting help.
Brandon tells Matthew Perry that he’s not going to write about any of this, but Matthew Perry actually wants him to. Maybe it will help somebody else.
He asks why Brandon isn’t at the stadium. Brandon says he thought they could watch the game together, and whips out a tiny portable TV. Like this:
